Seriously ignore this post, unless you are into self induglent drivel. I’m trying to sort out my obsession with food, the food industry, what is healthy, what is ethical, etc. It is all very, very confusing although eating is such a basic thing, it should be very simple. Anyway–

• I am a lucky, lucky person that I can sit here and mull over what I want to eat, when I want to eat it and where I want to buy it. So for starters I *get* that.
• That said, there is so much governmental interference in the production of our food from lobbyists to the FDA–  I don’t feel even remotely confident that they make decisions based on what is healthy. They are motivated by many other issues than our health.
• I’d love to eat organic but I don’t believe the marketing spin that 99% of the companies that sell organic deliver. For instance, for hens to be called “cage free” means only they some access to the outdoors. It doesn’t mean chickens living in clean, ideal conditions by any stretch.
• Whole Foods is selling a big, fat fantasy. It is selling the idea of days gone by, where people were more in touch with the origins of their food, with the idea of purity of their food. Whole Foods doesn’t deal with small farmers anymore, they cannot because the system is too big now. They deal with the massive corporate farms. Not so different than the other grocery stores. The label “organic” is stretched many different ways.
• For me, the best notion at this point is to shop farmers markets. The route with the least involvement from outside intrusions and manipulation. However, it is expensive and very inconvenient to shop farmers markets.
• Having little to no problems not eating meat, chicken fish or dairy.  Am missing eggs, big time. May buy these at a local chicken farm. Maybe not. Also missing Greek yogurt big time. Bought a little machine to make my own–not that it spares me from having to purchase milk though. Still figuring that one out.
• Needing to get to the point where it is second nature to not eat these things. Substitutions for breakfast are the most dire. Oatmeal is fine but I really like protein for breakfast.  Nearly all of it is gone from the house except for some chicken breasts and a huge pork loin and the boys will eat one of these days.
• In general I feel far lighter and cleaner internally (totally retarded sounding) I don’t have that awful sluggish feeling so much– digestively speaking.

Thankfully Champagne is still on my list–haha! So Happy New Year to you, especially if you’ve made it this far.

I’m sure if I looked back to last year the list is practically identical, but here it is nonetheless!

1. STOP spending money.  I have been on an unprecedented spending spree for about 6 months now. I have not been getting into debt over any of it but still…the truth is I don’t NEED anything.  I am utterly addicted to buying on amazon and it is becoming a daily event, even if it is just a bottle of nail polish. It is getting obscene.
2. Food. Continue to be invested emotionally in what I am taking into my body.  So far no meat for about 6 weeks. Very little dairy and no eggs either.  Continue to read and learn about food sources, nutrition, ethics. Be more diligent about menu planning and preparing.
3. Exercise 3 times per week, at the least. Rejoined the gym in order to make this plausible and got a good deal on the monthly fee.
4. Finish Auggie’s therapy dog training and make a weekly or bi weekly visit with him as part of my routine.
5. Keep reading, reading, reading!

Not a very ambitious list, but these are the things that rise to the surface when I consider what I want to work on this year.

Having a post holiday slump. I don’t enjoy this week inbetween Xmas and New Years. It feels like no mans land. I like the fresh start of the New Year. It will be here soon enough.

Cheers to one and all.

Can I just say it without fear of reprisal or jinxation? I am the happiest, most content, most even keeled I have ever been in my life. I’d say most days I rate a solid 9.5 and for me that is basically a first. The thing is intellectually I have always known how blessed I am, how insanely lucky, how fortunate. I really do know that deep down. However, I have spent decades swimming around in an unidentifiable sadness. One that colors all of the good into a muddy, rainy day. I have honey in my veins. Such is the goodness of chemistry. I am so entirely thankful to feel this way. I think THIS is my natural state, it isn’t inducing false senses, it is eliciting what is already within me but has been bogged under bad brain chemistry. Hallelujah for that.

The only downside is that I am gaining weight at an unprecedented, alarming rate. It is indeed a big negative of the meds. I don’t care enough yet to stop. I feel too good.

Here are a few items for your consideration:

• Our regional newspaper called me yesterday and interviewed me for 40 minutes about Aging in Place design. I was really quite dumbfounded about it, excited to but basically dumbfounded. I guess there is going to be an article in early January about the movement (not about me– haha, I have not turned into that much of a megalomaniac yet). Pretty cool anyway!
• I have joined forces with two girlfriends that have a prosperous business doing professional organizing. They have a lot of requests for interior design work and really it all sort of dovetails anyway. I have my first client already and am doing this in conjunction with the other job. It’s all good, feeling very excited about this.
• Just about to start reading The Help….anyone read this yet?
• Despite my euphoria, my grief over my Dad is still in there. I had a very odd dream where I was crying about his death and could feel the saddness just envelop me in my sleep. I guess it needs to come out somewhere….I still can’t believe it is real.
• We are just starting to prepare for our kitchen renovation. No meds on the planet can make me want to do this. I know this is going to be utterly horrendous but it is a necessity so foward we march. I’m kind of kicking and screaming about it, really really want to not deal with it.

I think that is it for now. I am wishing everyone a warm, yummy weekend of pre holiday goodness.

Cheers.

Our dinner menu for this week:

• Black bean and butternut squash buritos
• Spinach and mushroom lasagna
• Heart Mac N Cheese

These three recipes are from this blog which will make your mouth water, no two ways about it!  Seriously, just look at the recipe on that home page for Veggie pot pie with pumpkin biscuit topping….  it’s heavenly looking.

The truth of the matter is we are doing this fat free vegan diet for dinners for a month or two because quite simply I am grasping at straws. K’s shirt buttons are about to burst open as are my jeans– something has to happen. The key to why I think this will work is that it isn’t simply veggie but it is also fat free……….  so in my mind, it’s got to work. There is just no way for it not too.  I am also preparing K’s breakfast so he is only left to his own devices for one meal per day.  I know this sounds uber controlling but the dude works like a maniac and has no additional bandwith to deal with figuring out what to eat.  I don’t entirely believe that but it’s what I am telling myself right now. I don’t know what else to do. 

I’m lying in bed on this glorious day, just soaking up some good old relaxation. Going to try to dig further into Snow Flower and the Hidden Fan. Nap. Read. Nap. Read. You get the idea!

Cheers!

• I’ve been feeding 1 of our dogs catfood for over a month and just discovered this today.  To my credit the bag is identical to the same brand of dogfood, with only 1 minor logo difference at the bottom of the bag.
• My Mother is in the hospital with a bizarre infection of both legs. Long pause. Do I need to elaborate on this? Or can you tell I am just numb at this point.
• K and I have are doing a fat-free vegan lifestyle for dinner for the next few months.
• I’m reading Snow Flower and the Secret Fan.  Foot binding??? Insanely barbaric.
• Trying to find a pilates studio because my spine, sciatic nerves and femoral nerves are just not good. Pilates is stupidly expensive but I feel I have little choice at this point. I have to find a way to get some strength in my core. I’m collapsing in on myself like an accordian.
• Love, love, love Thanksgiving and cannot wait to see the family.
• Off to bed.
• Muah!

20 Years Ago:

I was a sophomore at Fordham University in the Bronx and I had decided to be an English major. I was dating  a football player and living with a great roommate. Despite this, I was tremendously uhappy. The football player was a very bad match but I was so naive that I thought because he persued me I was supposed to like and go out with him.  This would be a trend for many years to come.

10 Years Ago:

I had just return to working in NYC from a 2 year stint in Connecticut. I was ecstatic to be back among my peeps. I was just about to break up with  an arrogant, friendless, divorcee from CT with a 4 year old.  A break up that I would not shed one tear over. And I had just made friends with two ladies that I still count among my dear friends. All in all, it was a good time. 9/11 was still out in the distance and that would be the catalyst for my going to design school in a sweeping career change.

5 Years Ago:

K and I had just gotten engaged. We were living in a gorgeous Victorian apartment in an odd neighborhood across the river from NYC.  I was working for a very famous architect and was so miserable there I could hardly breathe. We didn’t know it but were 6 weeks from finding our new home.

3 Years Ago:

I had started working for myself and doubled my income in 1 year.  I was enjoying the flexibility but not enjoying the general stress of working with the obscenely wealthy.  I was just starting to come to terms with the fact that I really didn’t like my choice of 2nd careers.  I had 2 brand new female puppies join our household and I was just about to realize that I did not want to pursue fertility treatments any longer– and I came to appreciate the many joys of being child-free.

1 Year Ago:

My Father was rendered an invalid by a botched surgery and the family was just getting him settled in a nursing home– knowing he would never be able to come home. I was dreading the holidays. My client had run out of money and I was not working. I contacted my current employer seeking work. We were planning our trip to Morocco for the Spring. My 40th birthday was on the horizon.

This year:

My Father passed away. K’s father passed away. I started a new job. I sunk into a funk about the meaning of my life and how to find fullfillment. I got up and out of the funk thanks to the help of modern chemstry. I am feeling good. And happy. We are hoping to go on vacation this Spring to France.

Yesterday:

I took Auggie to his first training class to become a therapy dog. I went to the Mall to look for lost keys in hopes that I could avoid paying $400 to replace K’s car key. No luck.  I had a conference call about a new, different job that would again be working mostly for myself.

Today:

Went to boring job. Didn’t do much of anything except figure out how to have a shared calendar on Google calendar. I felt hopeful and happy about my life. I loved on my sick pooch Auggie who is having a horrific allergy outbreak.

Tomorrow:
Having lunch with a friend to celebrate her birthday. Will get a dremmmel attachment so I can grind the doggies nails. Will stop at liquore store for bottle of champagne for the weekend. Will stock up on food for the house which is basically barren. I will count my many blessings.

Yet again, it’s been many weeks since I’ve posted.  I guess when everything is going well and not super good or super bad, there is less of an incentive to write.  I mean, it is difficult to muster up an interesting post about the day to day stuff that makes up our lives. Well it is for me!  But today, it isn’t going to stop me. I offer up yet another list of items for your review.

• I continue to flail about regarding my job. My job (at a furniture manufacturer) is good and eveyone is super nice and there is nothing to dislike about this job except that the interior design market just is non-existent at this point and so I am bored absolutely shitless. Thankfully, I am only here 3 days per week so I fake it as best I can and do whatever tasks I can invent but really……..REALLY want to get jazzed about something and dive in. Enough. You’ve heard this all before.
• I am starting therapy dog training with Auggie on Monday and I am super excited about that. He used to visit my Dad in the nursing home and it was the happiest I have ever seen the dog.  Hold your breathe for really sappy shit: I think God put this dog here to make people happy. I think we (he and I ) are supposed to be doing this. I seriously feel like we are being called to it.  Now the lessons are at 6:30pm though…and my little dude is very tired at that point in the day so let’s hope he can rally.
• I am still reading like gangbusters.  I’m on Philip Roth’s “Indignation” and I think it is great. Before this I read Mudbound by Hillary Jordan and wow. WOW. That was an amazing book as well. I don’t know what to chalk up my renewed passion about reading but I have read more in teh past 4 months than in the past 4 years combined. I’m loving it.
• My neighborhood ladies are on an adoption kick. Two new kids arrived this month. One an infant and the other a 4 year old from China. The 4 year old gave me pangs, she was a sweet, gentle, timid little wisp of a girl and I cannot imagine the trauma of all that she’s been through….orphanage, coming to a new country… all these new faces. Poor dear, I really want to hug her little sweet self.
• Maybe I should have spent more time thinking about adopting. K just turned 51 though…….. hmmm. We probably missed that boat too. Sigh.
• We went to see Paranormal Activity. Oy—-  anyone else see it?
• I’ve rallied a few girlfriends and we are taking a series of French cooking classes in NYC…  very excited about this!  Yes, I obviously got a little too into the Julia Childs book.

Hey, if you have any book recommendations for me, please do pass them along as I am nearly out of my stash of books and at this rate, I’ll need a bunch more. If only I could read at work…………   hmmm, I bet I could if I finally got that Kindle, just hide it behind a stack of papers!!

Back to pretending I’m working. Ta ta!

We’re home from out west. It was a good trip, despite being  a sad event and also despite coming home with a HORRENDOUS sore throat.  It was good because after 4.5 years of marriage, I finally got to meet K’s brothers! He’s one of 9 kids and they are all scattered all over the place. I really like everyone and wish we were able to see more of everyone. Sigh.

I’m happy to report that no anxiety attacks were had. Hallelujah!

I also really turned a corner with the stepkids. They really are young adults now and let me say, they were absolutely delightful on the trip. Polite as can be, charming, extremely good looking–  although I had nothing to do with any of this, I was very proud of them. Junior Miss is really incredibly beautiful…a gorgeous girl with a great smile and her brother is also very good looking. They both seem to have stepped into the adult role at least a bit and it is much less centered on what can be gotten from Dad. It was really fun being with them. At one point K and I were explaining to them how we want our ashes to be combined and sprinkled together somewhere… and they both said they wanted to go into our ash pot too. lol, very cute.

So what else. I’m on a new book now too… The Almond Picker (can’t remember the author) which is a recommendation I got  off of Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog, GOOP.  I have not gotten into the meat of it yet but I think it will good– takes place in Sicily in the  1960s, a place and time that I know nothing about.

I’m taking my weary bones to bed now. My throat feels like a torch is blowing on it and my uvula is hanging down throat like way far. It’s super gross.

K’s dad passed away this weekend, just as predicted. Much like my dad’s death–and I suppose most incapacitating illnesses, it is for the best. K flew back here last night –the funeral is out west next weekend so we will fly out next friday for the weekend. Only having mid level anxiety about that.

So yes, I saw Julie and Julia and really enjoyed it. Not that I have ever been interested in Julia Childs before. But the movie inspired me to read My Life in Paris–  which is making me swoon!  She was such an intrepid woman, to live overseas and carve a life for herself, a rich and amazing life.  Anyway, my Mom lent me one of her old JC cookbooks and I decided to up the ante on my usual roast chicken dinner wherein I put chicken in roast pan and put it in the oven. Her recipe was not complicated but OMFG– it was SOOOO much more delicious!  The flavors where just a whole other level that I had not anticipated. And a port wine reduction that made me want to lick the pan.  Just saying…give it a try, it is worth the minimal effort!

So that’s all I got for this Monday morning.

Over and out.

In the past month or whatever I have started like 3 posts, only to abandon them and not post anything. THIS post, will get published, even if it is just some pictures of the patio reno and a bulleted list.

Without further adieu–the patio, before and after, hopefully you can tell which is which:

Now that that is out of the way, let me continue with all of the thrilling things that have been going on around here:

• K’s dad has been very ill and has been admitted to hospice. He’s not been a healthy man but this is an unexpected turn and we are all hoping he can hang in there for a while.
• My happiness level has bouyed up to a solid 7 since taking the meds…whereas I was a chronic 4 prior to taking them.
• Stepson had a naughty flirtation and near hook up with a woman I have known since nursery school. She and I are not close and she is not married. They both seem rather twitterpated and in truth I don’t care one bit if they hook up. I just gave him one rule: do NOT throw up in her apartment (a stunt he pulled on some other young lady in NYC a few weeks back, gah!!)
• I have been reading like a madwoman, here is my list:
• Wetlands, ok if you are really into shock value, otherwise skip it.
• City of Thieves, loved it
• Child44, readable, not amazing but good enough for a distration
• Confessions of a Contractor,  beach reading essentially
• Sarah’s Key, great plot, bad writing
• Fingersmith, A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!
• Saturday by Ian McEwen, nearly unreadable it was so painfully slow and flat
• My Life in Paris, (the Julia Child bio) am loving it so far, especially since K and I ate at two of the restaurants she mentions that she used to frequent back in the 1940s……so cool!
• The end of my book list.
• I am still purging, oraganizing, throwing out as much as I can as often as I can.  I am possessed to rid our home of everything except those things we love and those things that are very useful, the rest is gone!
• My Mom has come down with a horrendous case of shingles.  The bummer is none of my siblings or myself ever had chicken pox so we cannot go near her. Thank God for her neighbors.
• We camped out at the vintage car races over Labor Day weekend and I was reminded why I don’t like camping. The cold air that comes off the ground is just ridiculous!!! I insisted on having an aero bed and even with that and a heavy duty sleeping bag I was cold all night.
• I’m so tired I’m going to drop so I will sign off now and will come back soon!

Night night.