Monthly Update

Yet again, it’s been many weeks since I’ve posted.  I guess when everything is going well and not super good or super bad, there is less of an incentive to write.  I mean, it is difficult to muster up an interesting post about the day to day stuff that makes up our lives. Well it is for me!  But today, it isn’t going to stop me. I offer up yet another list of items for your review.

• I continue to flail about regarding my job. My job (at a furniture manufacturer) is good and eveyone is super nice and there is nothing to dislike about this job except that the interior design market just is non-existent at this point and so I am bored absolutely shitless. Thankfully, I am only here 3 days per week so I fake it as best I can and do whatever tasks I can invent but really……..REALLY want to get jazzed about something and dive in. Enough. You’ve heard this all before.
• I am starting therapy dog training with Auggie on Monday and I am super excited about that. He used to visit my Dad in the nursing home and it was the happiest I have ever seen the dog.  Hold your breathe for really sappy shit: I think God put this dog here to make people happy. I think we (he and I ) are supposed to be doing this. I seriously feel like we are being called to it.  Now the lessons are at 6:30pm though…and my little dude is very tired at that point in the day so let’s hope he can rally.
• I am still reading like gangbusters.  I’m on Philip Roth’s “Indignation” and I think it is great. Before this I read Mudbound by Hillary Jordan and wow. WOW. That was an amazing book as well. I don’t know what to chalk up my renewed passion about reading but I have read more in teh past 4 months than in the past 4 years combined. I’m loving it.
• My neighborhood ladies are on an adoption kick. Two new kids arrived this month. One an infant and the other a 4 year old from China. The 4 year old gave me pangs, she was a sweet, gentle, timid little wisp of a girl and I cannot imagine the trauma of all that she’s been through….orphanage, coming to a new country… all these new faces. Poor dear, I really want to hug her little sweet self.
• Maybe I should have spent more time thinking about adopting. K just turned 51 though…….. hmmm. We probably missed that boat too. Sigh.
• We went to see Paranormal Activity. Oy—-  anyone else see it?
• I’ve rallied a few girlfriends and we are taking a series of French cooking classes in NYC…  very excited about this!  Yes, I obviously got a little too into the Julia Childs book.

Hey, if you have any book recommendations for me, please do pass them along as I am nearly out of my stash of books and at this rate, I’ll need a bunch more. If only I could read at work…………   hmmm, I bet I could if I finally got that Kindle, just hide it behind a stack of papers!!

Back to pretending I’m working. Ta ta!

 

 

Ran over by an 18 wheeler

We’re home from out west. It was a good trip, despite being  a sad event and also despite coming home with a HORRENDOUS sore throat.  It was good because after 4.5 years of marriage, I finally got to meet K’s brothers! He’s one of 9 kids and they are all scattered all over the place. I really like everyone and wish we were able to see more of everyone. Sigh.

I’m happy to report that no anxiety attacks were had. Hallelujah!

I also really turned a corner with the stepkids. They really are young adults now and let me say, they were absolutely delightful on the trip. Polite as can be, charming, extremely good looking–  although I had nothing to do with any of this, I was very proud of them. Junior Miss is really incredibly beautiful…a gorgeous girl with a great smile and her brother is also very good looking. They both seem to have stepped into the adult role at least a bit and it is much less centered on what can be gotten from Dad. It was really fun being with them. At one point K and I were explaining to them how we want our ashes to be combined and sprinkled together somewhere… and they both said they wanted to go into our ash pot too. lol, very cute.

So what else. I’m on a new book now too… The Almond Picker (can’t remember the author) which is a recommendation I got  off of Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog, GOOP.  I have not gotten into the meat of it yet but I think it will good– takes place in Sicily in the  1960s, a place and time that I know nothing about.

I’m taking my weary bones to bed now. My throat feels like a torch is blowing on it and my uvula is hanging down throat like way far. It’s super gross.

Monday, monday

K’s dad passed away this weekend, just as predicted. Much like my dad’s death–and I suppose most incapacitating illnesses, it is for the best. K flew back here last night –the funeral is out west next weekend so we will fly out next friday for the weekend. Only having mid level anxiety about that.

So yes, I saw Julie and Julia and really enjoyed it. Not that I have ever been interested in Julia Childs before. But the movie inspired me to read My Life in Paris–  which is making me swoon!  She was such an intrepid woman, to live overseas and carve a life for herself, a rich and amazing life.  Anyway, my Mom lent me one of her old JC cookbooks and I decided to up the ante on my usual roast chicken dinner wherein I put chicken in roast pan and put it in the oven. Her recipe was not complicated but OMFG– it was SOOOO much more delicious!  The flavors where just a whole other level that I had not anticipated. And a port wine reduction that made me want to lick the pan.  Just saying…give it a try, it is worth the minimal effort!

So that’s all I got for this Monday morning.

Over and out.

Enough is enough!

In the past month or whatever I have started like 3 posts, only to abandon them and not post anything. THIS post, will get published, even if it is just some pictures of the patio reno and a bulleted list.

Without further adieu–the patio, before and after, hopefully you can tell which is which:

Now that that is out of the way, let me continue with all of the thrilling things that have been going on around here:

• K’s dad has been very ill and has been admitted to hospice. He’s not been a healthy man but this is an unexpected turn and we are all hoping he can hang in there for a while.
• My happiness level has bouyed up to a solid 7 since taking the meds…whereas I was a chronic 4 prior to taking them.
• Stepson had a naughty flirtation and near hook up with a woman I have known since nursery school. She and I are not close and she is not married. They both seem rather twitterpated and in truth I don’t care one bit if they hook up. I just gave him one rule: do NOT throw up in her apartment (a stunt he pulled on some other young lady in NYC a few weeks back, gah!!)
• I have been reading like a madwoman, here is my list:
• Wetlands, ok if you are really into shock value, otherwise skip it.
• City of Thieves, loved it
• Child44, readable, not amazing but good enough for a distration
• Confessions of a Contractor,  beach reading essentially
• Sarah’s Key, great plot, bad writing
• Fingersmith, A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!
• Saturday by Ian McEwen, nearly unreadable it was so painfully slow and flat
• My Life in Paris, (the Julia Child bio) am loving it so far, especially since K and I ate at two of the restaurants she mentions that she used to frequent back in the 1940s……so cool!
• The end of my book list.
• I am still purging, oraganizing, throwing out as much as I can as often as I can.  I am possessed to rid our home of everything except those things we love and those things that are very useful, the rest is gone!
• My Mom has come down with a horrendous case of shingles.  The bummer is none of my siblings or myself ever had chicken pox so we cannot go near her. Thank God for her neighbors.
• We camped out at the vintage car races over Labor Day weekend and I was reminded why I don’t like camping. The cold air that comes off the ground is just ridiculous!!! I insisted on having an aero bed and even with that and a heavy duty sleeping bag I was cold all night.
• I’m so tired I’m going to drop so I will sign off now and will come back soon!

Night night.

Enough of that

Well…10 days of Lxa.pro and I am starting to feel like a normal human being again. Thank God. I’m  not quite there yet, but I’m waaaayy less sad and crabby than I was and I’ll take whatever I can get.

I’ve not made much headway on what I am doing with my life but I am feeling less dramatic about it all. Right now I’m here and healthy and that’s all good.

Have a lovely weekend!

Crazy Train

oh, I’m aboard alright.

I started up the Lex.apro today. I’ve been thinking back over the time since I went off those lovely pills last time and  and I remember lots of sunny days…..lots of them….where I woke up feeling generally happy-ish.  But I would say the past 6 months or so has been a slow descent into the sadness again.  Sadness coupled with insane mood swings, extreme irritability and the desire to do absolutely nothing– except scream at people and cry. Haven’t been doing much of the crying but believe  me it would be very easy to do so. 

Of course, now that I took that first pill I wish I had started weeks ago as I really am just a sad, miserable wreck today. I’m so sick of feeling this way and I know left to my own devices I won’t be perking up. I mean I may have a perky day here and there but it won’t be sustained perkiness. I have a lovely husband and a great life…and I want to be able to feel something other than blue. 

Another cheery post brought to you by yours truly!

what NOT to do when you are feeling stuck and like an outsider

my adorable 9 year old niece has been kicking serious ass on swim team and made it to the championships in her first year. today was the meet so i decided to be supportive of her efforts and go. as it turns out she was swimming against my college roomates daughters.  i reconnected with college roomate on FB about 6 months ago and when i realized that we would all be at the same meet, i got in touch with her and we made plans to see each other there.

enter green eyed monster from hell.

my college roomate (CR, let’s call her) is gorgeous. and popular and has 5 drop dead gorgeous kids and everyone loves all of them. they are nice and kind and sweet and they deserve being adored because they very recently descended off of a cloud and so yes, there you have it.  i mean all of this too, btw, they really are a representation of everything that is enviable.

and so now I am home and my gapping hole of meaninglessness and self loating is at an EPIC high.  they have this whole life and family and community and i’m me, with k, worry about who will even spread my ashes when i die….

it’s a beautiful day and i’m just finally realizing how stinking jealous i am of her. 

i felt like an awkward turd through much of the meet as parents shuttled kids here and there.  thankfully my brother was there and we spend some good time together and Neice did well in her race–which is really why i went in the first place. i just wasn’t expecting to meet my personal monster face to face today.  and when i came home and wailed to K that every single person at the meet had children, he kind of smiled at the obviousness of my statement.  uh, duh of course they do! still…  

i’m jealous.

Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For….

• Despite not really having had a Summer this year (endless rain, cool temps until recently) I am very ready to move onto Fall.
• Hub is downstairs doing a prep for his colonoscopy which is tomorrow morning. I’m steering clear!!!
• I got the Vet to write Violet a prescription for Prozac because she is making me crazy with marking in the HOUSE!!!!  I can get a generic filled at Walmart for $8 per month which is awesome so even if it doesn’t work on her??? I’m gonna take, haha. That’ll show her.
• Still having a very restless / depressed spell about my lack of direction.  Not sure what the hell I’m doing or how to figure out what I want to do. I am not going to a therapist for this. I am not taking anti depressents just yet. I need a sign…and I’m looking really hard for one.
• I’m on a major purging binge. I’ve been getting rid of a lot of stuff, organizing and scaling back.
• I subscribe to Mother Earth News because one of my alter identities loves the idea of hobby farming, living simply, stripping it all away.  Yes, this is the girl that screams about worms. But still… I want less, WAY less.  K on the otherhand is a spending machine.
• I’ve gotten some fantastic tips on simplifying life from www.zenhabits.net  it’s a really great site with all sorts of helpful tips on trimming the fat.
• My social laziness has reached all new levels of lazy. I don’t want to do anything other than watch movies, go out for dinner and grill at home.
• I don’t even feel like traveling which is unheard of for me.
• I’ve been reading and really enjoying a few books. Next up is The Art of Racing in the Rain, although it’s a tear jerker animal book and well……not sure I can subject myself to that but the first page really sucked me in.
• I haven’t eaten meat in 3 days so far. Don’t want to do that any more either but always revert to it because I just don’t get satisfied feeling without it.
• We had dinner with Pampered One last weekend and I was really disappointed to see that his level of cockiness has gotten way over the top. He really thinks he’s the shit and will flat out tell you so.  Makes me just shake my head. Someone is heading for a fall… 
• I’m going for a mammogram tomorrow…..a bit apprehensive as I’ve got a breast issue “history”…….  and so yes, I’m apprehensive. Think good thoughts for me please!
• Been feeling rather pissed off at my Mom lately and I feel guilty about it.  I feel like I need a lot of space from her right now. We got in a huge fight last week and the effects have been lingering quite a bit.  But she’s 80 and although she’s always been clingy, she’s worse now since dad is gone. 
• I’m tired all the time.
• Are you depressed yet from reading this shite? You should be !!!!

Miscelleneous stuff…

So, I’ve been very neglectful of this blog. I have stuff to say I’m just to distracted to write anything meaningful so I will offer up  a bulleted list:

• My BFF’s friend’s husband died in bed on Friday night. He was 38. THey have no idea why.  They have 3 boys aged 5, 2 and 6 weeks.  Just awful!!! So heartbreaking.
• Atlantic City w/the other cougars was alright.  See, I really went so I could laugh and have fun with the girls but some of them were on a mission to pounce on whatever male they could get their hands on.  That part was annoying, I just wanted to dance and be silly and have fun.  I still had some good laughs but went to bed at 12:30 and the horny bitches showed up at the room at 4am. I think the highlight was two of them making out with each other!!! (yucko, btw)
• One of the drunken hypotheticals that came up over dinner was would you rather go down on yourself (if you could actually get your head down there) or take it up the rear………   feel free to weigh in dear readers!  Oh yeah, lots of high brown conversation like that for most of the night. The waiter was riveted, poor kid.
• The patio is 98% completed!!! We have to get the plants into the ground around it and and have the fence put up behind it and then wa la!!!
• I’ve been getting very into birds,  yes, much like an old person.  We have a ton of cardinals and chikadees and all sorts of wood peckers. I love them all so bought these cute little feeders to put suet in and the birds have been going ape shit for them, it just delights me.  I hope this doesn’t mean one day I’ll be that old lady in the park feeding the pigeons…. yikes.
• Smith and Hawkens is going under so we are heading out the door right now to go find us some deals on pretty gardening / patio stuff! Wish me luck!

Cheerio.

S.

CHEERY DAMN IT ALL!

Ya, so.

The patio reno is coming down the home stretch, although I hesitate to even say it. It has been a never ending epic renovation that is 8x what we were planning to spend.  Mind you, it isnt like cash is hanging on the trees around here but K likes to go big or go home.  Meanwhile, my slew of dogs have been pretty darn good all things considered but they do drag in an awful lot of dirt and mud from the yard since this has been underway. Twelve paws…just think of all that grime……

So I have a few new finds I wanted to share:

1. Pandora.  This might only be new to me but I am LOVING it.   I had given up hope of enjoying music anymore and was never finding new music that I really liked.  Well Pandora has changed my life!  Type in an artist or song title you like and boom! It creates a “station” and they start playing all sorts of songs that are similar. I’ve discovered fabulous artists that I would never have found otherwise–like Ryan Adams. I cannot say enough about it and it’s FREE just go to www.pandora.com.

2. The City of Thieves by David Benioff—tremendously riveting. My hair salon guy recommeded it to me and I was a bit reluctant to take his recommendation but holy smokes, it’s fabulous. Clever, original, occasionally humorous and wonderful characters. I’m sad that I’m nearly done with it.

3.  Griller basket!!! See I have very limited grilling skills, the flames scare me, I can never tell if something is cooked, and I hate lighting it.  I hate even more when stuff falls through the grate.  The griller basket lets me through everything in, veggies, shrimp etc and then I can toss the basket on the grill without having to hover over the flames trying to scrape my food off the grate, cursing up a storm and shrieking for K to come to my rescue.  Now? I’m all self sufficient n shit.  Next I’ll be cooking over a campfire.

That’s it for my new items.  This weekend my girlfriends and I are going to Atlantic City to celebrate turning forty. We are only going for one night–which is probably perfect.  While I grew up in NJ I have never been to AC and am looking forward to staying at the Borgota and having a crazy night. It has been entirely too long since I had extended fun with the girls…like multiple decades, it feels like. NJ Housewives have nothing on us!!!

xx