We Need to Get a Collective Grip

Ok…. can we all just come to terms with the fact that Michael Jackson was addicted to many forms of sedatives and pain killers and he manipulated many, many people in order to get them????  Why is there an outcry that his death was brought about by some nefarious circumstances…no shit, he was a drug addict!!! Maybe someone shot him up with something stronger than necessary or it was a bad combo of drugs…whatever!!! It isn’t like he was the poster child for the clean lifestyle.  I can hardly stand this melodramatic bullshit.

I’m all riled up.

Life without kids

The problem is finding the central meaning to my life that everything revolves around.  Like, the anchor if you will.  Since I am no longer very career minded, it leaves me with a black hole.  You might say go volunteer or do good things or whatever but I’m not really interested.  I get that there is something missing for me. Folding laundry doesn’t really cut it either. Too bad I am not someone with hobbies, that might help. Eh. It is what it is–can’t change that. I do eventually wind up back at the beginning with my never-ending circular thinking.

Tru Green Nightmare

my personal fuse is aproximately 1/8″ long at the moment. I agreed to meet a friend in NYC for lunch. She is visiting from the west coast. Last year she was an hour late to lunch.  Today I left at the 45 min late mark.  That set me into the foulest stinking mood.  It is a 2 hour round trip ride for me…plus an hour of bullshit waiting time plus a bazillion dollar lunch (had I stayed), I just was too pissed off to stay. I was nearly growling by the time I left but it was all for the best because I left Soho to sit in horrendous traffic on the way home…with no lunch…in blazing heat and well I was so pissed I nearly cried. 

You see, I am off from work this week and I really did not want to go into the city today as invariably it takes up my entire day and selfishly, since it is MY vacation, I want to do only what is appealing to me.  Gah!!!

I took advantage of my venomous mood and called Tru Green Chem Lawn–the tree spraying company.  I unleashed the full gale of my fury on them. We canceled our service last year.  Since then, they have called me no less than 20 times and each time I tell them to take me off their list.  Then they sent the sprayers to our house and I turned them away. Then the sales guy came to our house and I told him I am not interested in his service and I am not to be contacted for any reason, ever.   Then yesterday–they came when I wasn’t home and fertiziled the lawn and charged us $60 for it. 

Oh. No. You. Didn’t.

I think I told them today that if they ever stepped foot on my property again I would call the police and /or shoot them.  I was utterly screaming like a lunatic.  The girl on the phone said “oh but you’re service isn’t canceled”…..I think my eyes rolled back in my head. I told her she must really be desperate for a job to work for such scum bags.  Poor thing.

Haha, here’s the kicker, we really really need our trees sprayed.  I will NOT do business with such a dispicable company.  SO…….I will find a nice normal local company even if I have to pay them twice as much to do the work.  Fuck you Tru Green Chem Lawn Scum Suckers!!!!

Ok…I’m off to watch the approaching thunderstorm. Should be here any moment.  Maybe I’ll feel better when it is over.

Ta ta.

Speaking of anniversaries…

Our 4th anniversary is tomorrow.  What will we be doing to celebrate you ask? Picking up JM from the airport for her 3 week visit, swallowing a fistful of Xanax and doing several Tequila chasers. Sigh.  Her former boyfriend is paying for her to go to St. Lucia for a week with him. They are not dating and according to her are never gonna date.  If I were her Mom I’d have a whole lot to say about the inapproprateness of this trip but who am I?  Someone that gets to see and hear everything but can say nothing. Fun!!!

I’m fighting bone crushing fatigue today which makes this shitful gloomy weather worse and puts an ugly filter on pretty much everything.  You know…4 straight weeks of rain can do that. Gah.

So JMR has been happily ensconced in his apt in the city, have I mentioned that? He’s been keeping busy with dating web sites and generally keeping himself occupied. It’s been nice. I think we’ve struck a balance where he comes here now and then and stays there now and then and all is happy. Hallelujah.

Our fabulous Polish patio guys evaporated this week so our patio is basically a big area of crushed gravel.  It could be worse, they could have left us with dirt, which would be a massive mud pit by now.  The doggies just love mud. Anyway, the main dude claims to be waiting for the stone delivery……I don’t quite believe him and am keeping my fingers crossed that they show up again soon.

Oh…just to keep you all in the loop regarding my emotional constipation…it seems to have shaken loose. I spent Friday afternoon bawling about my Dad, missing him and generally feeling shitty.  It felt good actually. 

Holy crap.  I’m sticking in my ear plugs, pulling down my eyemask and going to bed at 9pm tonight.  I need to recharge in a huge way. Tomorrow is my day off from work and it is going to be 62 and pouring rain all day.  F me. Seriously.

Cheerio.

I am that asshole

…who cries at parties.

I was deep in coversation with two women and one is a stepmom in her 50s and does not have children of her own. I said something about having done fertility treatments and how I realized that I did not want motherhood badly enough to warrant our efforts.  Then she said that she had done them too. And had concieved a daughter. And when her daughter was 2 she drowned. And she poured herself into mothering her dog and the dog died shortly thereafter. That is when I dissolved into a puddle of tears.  I just felt all of this sadness bore right into me and was so overwhelmed for her. I’ve never had that happen before….it was like sadness for her just filled me right up. She was very calm and composed and I’m the shmuck who starts bawling. Nice.

On the ride home I threw up out the car window.

Fun night!!

Not like I need additional fuel…

This AirFrance plane crash has me in a huge bundle. For starters, I hate flying. Like really hate it.  Now here is the thing, I used to travel for work so I have flown hundreds of time. It doesn’t matter. Sometimes I am totally fine, and then there are some flights where I could absolutely jump out of my skin from anxiety. The thought of what those folks went through…well. It’s horrifying beyond all description. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Seriously though, I am trying to cut myself some slack as my hypochondria is spinning pretty quickly these days–a direct result of Dad’s death and the new job I suppose. Used to be that I would get stuck on one illness for a long time. Now? I am having a new illness every week. If it weren’t so stressful it would be funny. Thankfully I know enough to check in with what is going on stress-wise and so I am usually able to step back from the ledge.  Let’s see, so far  I have had a degenerative muscle condition, a degenerative nerve condition (shooting sciatica-like pains), lung cancer, heart problems and this week I have a throat/swallowing problem.  Like, I said, only part of me is preoccupied with obsessing on my symptoms, the other part is like whatev. It’s stress.  It is annoying as shit though.

I’ve got the packet of Lex&apro on my desk and am thinking about taking it as I know it will cut down on all this stupid anxiety and make me happier in general though. But I need to shed a few lbs and I know how much more difficult this makes it. Fat and happy? Or semi-fat and obsessed with illnesses? Hmm. Tough call.

Hey, btw, have you read Wetlands??? Omfg…what is wrong with people? This book has been selling all over the world like hotcakes and I read a review that likened it to “Catcher in the Rye”……..gimme a fucking break!! Now I love raunchy humor and generally perverted stuff but this book is just boring in its attempts to shock.  I would love to know if you bought it or read it and what you thought. To liken it to Salinger’s book is just ridiculous in my op.

It’s been pouring rain for most of the week but the patio renovation is on full bore.  The men are undaunted by the weather.  Literally, they are doing 12 hour days without so much as looking up from the shovels, the cement mixer, the jack hammers. It’s beyond impressive and I almost feel like we are not paying them enough. It is very tough manual labor all being done by hand because the yard it so secluded and they can’t get machines back there. There is no way K or I would have made it through one day of this had we tried it ourselves.  We expanded the size of the patio so they had to put in new retaining walls which involves putting in new footings which involves digging 4′ deep trenches in which to pour cement. Did I mention the patio is literally surrounded by 100′ pine trees? Um, the roots are as big around as my thigh.  I have no idea how the hell they are doing this.  It’s crazy but exciting too as it will be a great addition to the house.  The pupies have finally settled down about all the noise and are now immune to saws, jack hammers and Polish voices. My little gaurd dogs…

Ok…I’m tired. Very tired. Perhaps I will try to nap cuz we are headed into the city tonight — in the pouring rain. Sigh…

Have a great weekend!

unintelligible blather

Well. I’ve been scarce and there is scarcely a thing worth re-telling. I’m working 3 days per week. It’s a good job, I actually like it so far but they said I could do 3 days through the summer and then re-evaluate but of course now I am getting the subtle pressure to extend my hours.  And since I am nothing other than a dog mom and household manager, I feel like a huge slacker. The truth is, if I had not charged so many dog-related surgies and vet visits on my credit card, I would probably not be working. I just can’t hand this debt off to K and saddle him with it. So I have to keep at it until I am all cleared up. Of course if I worked MORE and not less, my liberation would happen much sooner. It’s a conundrum.

Today starts the rebirth of our patio area. I have jitters as we are paying a STOOPID amount of money to have this redone. And I have a feeling since we are a small fry compared to most of this contractors gigs, we may be living with a mud pit until New Years Eve. All of my fingers are crossed. It is also a real treat in dealing with the doggies who are barking non stop at the workers and cannot use their dog door to come and go in their usual free-wheeling lifestyle.

Did I mention we went and looked at a new house across town? Well, it’s a 1940’s tudor with a gorgeous slate roof and some other provincial detailing and it was on a gorgeous piece of property. It had also been renovated which is why we were looking because I cannot stand the renovation process / expense. I think there was only a 1% chance of us actually buying it but seeing it did motivated us to get moving on updating our own house. We’ve been here 4 years peeps. It’s time.

Jeez……..so freaking boring!!! Anyway, I’m alive and kicking and you know if I’m not posting its cuz there is nothing much going on. I’m sparing you!!!

S.

Whatta Weekend

We buried Dad’s ashes on Saturday in Detroit. The service was lovely. Overall, traveling with my family (without spouses or children) was very healing for me.  I was able to see my brother without his C-Word wife in tow — and appreciate what a great guy he really is underneath it all. Certainly not perfect.   So I’m happy for all that.  Of course my shitful cousins did not come.  Oh they all live only about 20 minutes away but geez — too busy I guess. What a bunch of jerks.  That has been a real lose. If they cannot rally for something like this then are we even really family? Will we ever see them? Do I want to ?  It was hugely disappointing for all of us.

I miss him terribly and it’s starting to shake loose and feel real finally.  I feel like too much has happened, too much stress between his illness and death, my career stuff, being all stressed out about the step parenting stuff and generally feeling crappy physically.  I want to give it time to perocolate but I also have a Dr. appointment this morning for a batch of Lex.apro. 

I still feel very sad and and like I’m on the edge of the precipice.  When I got home K was very nice and all but very remote physically and mentally.  I asked what was going on and he says nothing — tired, allergies, etc.  Still, it bothers me.  I think in his mind, he and Pampered One would be doing lots of late night fun together in the city and PO has been dating and found a new friend to hang with. Simultaneously, K is feeling his age I think….not knowing any cool bars anymore and getting too tired to hang.  I think this may be bothering him.  PO blew him off one night because he hooked up with some girl he met in a bar and I think K was a combo of jealous and disappointed.  Of course, I am just guessing.

This Sat we are flying out west to see his family and parents.  I really do want to see them but also really want to drop the doggies off at a kennel and lay in bed all day and sleep. Not have to put on my happy face and visit and be all chipper. None of K’s family are very chatty so I am the big dumb ass that tries to fill the silence. Not this time.

Anyway. Anyway. Anyway.

I’ll keep moving forward. I’ll be fine. Just today? Not so good.

Whack Jobs

So I took the job on a part time basis, which is great because I am not mentally prepared to work full time at the moment.   I’ve worked 2 days so far this week and like my office mates a lot — especially the crazy fucking one.  She is 39 and has 6 children and 2 grandchildren — which of course blows my mind completely.  Plus, she is just fucking bats…  we went to lunch today and she jumped in behind a blaring fire truck and tailgated it the entire way to the pizza joint, shouting and cursing the entire way.   She should have her own tv show — which would make Jerry Springer look like a childs play.  But I can see she is a good woman, she is no- nonsense,  straight shooter and kind to the people around her.  But seriously, when no one is in ear shot she is screaming at the top of her lungs about what a douche bag this one is and what a piece of shit that one is and fuck, fuck, fuck…………then the phone rings and she is sweet as pie.  It’s like watching a train wreck. It makes my heart pound…she is so intense and I have been holed up at home for a looonnng time.  I forgot that working full time and earning shit money makes people whacky.  It’s good to remember, sort of.   Yah, sort of.

20 Things

20 Things that Make Me Happy

1. All of the birds in our yard and my collection of chubby bird chotchkies
2. Road trips
3. Watching my puppies wrestle and when they waddle at top speed across the yard
4. When the house is clean, organized and well stocked
5. Corn on the cob, with butter salt and a little queso–yum!
6. Filling up my happy tank by spending time with my girlfriends
7. The day my period ends! Woohoo!
8. The flower nursery in town & when the lilies bloom by the driveway
9. Getting absorbed in a really good book
10. Going to the movies–but dramas only, no science fiction
11. My Magellan Maestro — knowing I can go anywhere without freaking about getting lost
12. When K blows off an impending temper tantrum of mine
13. Spending a day at the ocean with beach chair and umbrella
14. Traveling eventhough it gives me anxiety
15. Looking at my toes after a pedicure
16. Having people to our house for casual get together, but hate the clean up!
17. The sound of three bulldogs snoring in unison
18. Throwing stuff out or giving it away, it’s very freeing
19. Spending one-on-one time with my neices